pokemon: “we put a Great Ball in a trash can on the SS Anne once and players are now compelled to check literally every single trash can in every single game”
I try not to get too much into detail with my personal life on here but earlier, while I was showering, my mind was racing with a million different thoughts and ideas. I feel like I have to express what’s on my mind somewhere, even if that may be on somewhere as public as Tumblr. I suppose I could have just made a text post on my computer and kept it to myself, but perhaps someone else could benefit from what I’m going to say…
Very recently, I got myself out of an extremely unhealthy relationship. Our relationship wasn’t unhealthy in the sense that we were abusive to each other or anything like that - it was unhealthy in the sense that I became something I never wanted to be. We were together for a year and a half, and I believe that it went on for much longer than it should have. I kept myself in the relationship because I have a fear of hurting others and I couldn’t bring myself to say the words to break us up. We got along well personality-wise, but there were a lot of key personality traits that should have been an indicator of why we didn’t work as a couple. He had absolutely no motivation to do anything in life with the exception of making sure he always had a supply of marijuana around and could play video games for at least 6 hours a day. I wouldn’t have minded so much if I felt that we didn’t do enough outside of the house together, or if he had a job and wasn’t relying on social assistance. From his lack of motivation, I felt myself becoming lazier and transforming into what he already was. I hadn’t been motivated enough to do anything I previously enjoyed (i.e. reading, writing short stories/starting a novel, seeing friends). Though he was never abusive towards me, we fought much more often than couples should. A majority of our arguments were trust issues, and while I believed he would never cheat on me or do something to question his faithfulness, he didn’t feel the same towards me. The jealousy issues were too much to handle, to the point where our most recent argument caused me to go over the edge and tell that our relationship was done.
Now that I am no longer in this unhealthy relationship, I already feel improved. As much as I may have cared about him, I realize now that he wasn’t what I wanted in a partner. Every single relationship, I have found myself “settling” for someone, rather than really analyzing what I look for in a significant other and what I need to make me feel happy and to provide the same feeling for them. I have always settled for someone who didn’t make me feel like myself. Everyone deserves to feel confident in their skin, satisfied with their life, and sexy. You don’t need someone to make you feel that way about yourself, but if you find someone who enhances those emotions it’s an amazing experience.
I’ve very recently met someone who has strongly influenced my thoughts and aspirations, and without him knowing has slowly helped me rediscover myself. I’m not trying to jump into another relationship so quickly, because I have been known to do that far too often. For now, I enjoy spending time with him and the conversations we have I have never experienced with someone else in my entire life. He has this amazing level of confidence that I want to achieve for myself. Although I have never been a shallow person (although maybe that has just been me settling for people who I wasn’t fully sexually attracted to) I also find him extremely sexy. He takes care of his body, hygiene, and has an excellent taste in clothing. His confidence shows when he communicates with others as he has no fear when it comes to speaking to complete strangers, and I never thought I would be jealous of that. His sense of humor is fantastic, because he is extremely mature for his age (24) and yet knows when to be a little immature to have fun and joke around. He is the first person I’ve ever met that has actually inspired me to better myself and I’ve only known him for a short amount of time, but I am so completely fascinated with everything he has to say and offer.
Since meeting him, hanging out with him a couple of times and getting to know him, it’s made me realize what I need in my life and how I need to achieve it. A huge part of is it becoming confident in who I am. I have been a plus size girl for a long time, probably since grade 8 or 9. Even though he has told me that I am very sexy, I want to feel that for myself and I want to feel the confidence that he feels about himself. For years I have put myself down about my looks, thinking that I am not a very pretty girl and there are a lot more attractive people out there. In reality, I need to stop doing that. Belittling yourself is unhealthy and is only going to make things worse. Instead, you need to find things you like/love about yourself and make them key factors and stand out. Anything you don’t like about yourself can be improved with hard work and determination, if that’s what you choose to do about it. For example, I like my eyes and lips. When I wear makeup, I tend to put a lot of focus on one or both of these features because I think they make me stand out more. I think I have a pretty face and therefore want to draw attention to that part of my body. I also have a decently large bust, so sometimes I like to dress in outfits that accentuate that feature. It’s not “slutty” to dress a certain way that makes you feel confident, so no one should ever feel that way if they wear a little black dress that is shorter than normal, or a pair of five-inch heels that they think look sexy. Dress to make yourself feel happy and confident, not to make others satisfied with how you look.
There are, of course, things I don’t like about myself as well. Being a plus size girl, I don’t like my weight. I have too much body fat in my stomach, legs, and arms. I wish my butt was more shapely and my stomach was more toned. The great thing about this is that these are all things that can be improved. I feel motivated more than ever to better myself and get myself in shape so that I can feel that level of confidence my friend has. I want to be able to wear a dress to a night club or a bar and feel 100% confident when I wear it, and I want that to show to others. There’s a fine line between arrogance and confidence, but everyone needs to feel that way about themselves.
I also need to sort the rest of my life out. I have a small amount of debt (under $2,000, not including student loans) that I need to handle so that I can feel safe and secure again. I need to realize what makes me happy again and do those things. I want to be more adventurous in my spare time and do things that I would never do before, or eat foods that I would turn my nose up at previously. I want to really feel fulfilled in this life that I’m living, and to do so I’ve created a list of things to make myself feel happy, energized, and more confident by the end of 2014. This is a list of things I want to accomplish or things that I think should be done this year:
I know this is an extremely long post. I just needed somewhere to vent for a little bit. And if in any way this has helped someone become more motivated and inspired, then I’m glad I was able to help.